When loving hurts more.

 

Today has been an extra sad day.  I feel like I am at a total complete loss.  I feel defeated by everything that has come to light.  It has been slightly over three months since the second D Day and I am aware the sadness I feel is to be expected.  I am also aware that I need to feel the feels in order to heal.  But for some reason today I am having a hard time with the sadness and I don’t want to feel anything.  I just want it to go away. 

On days where I am ferocious, I am a force to be reckon with.  That is the difference between ferocious and sadness. On days where I am so mad and angry at my husband, I have an easier time handling my mood.  On days where I feel deep profound love for him it hurts more than anything and it brings sadness.  It literally hurts to love him.  The horrible stomach ache, the body aches and the tightening of all my muscles.  Loving him brings so much pain.  Whether I am remembering a happy moment, a sad moment or I am imagining how he cheated, in some way it all feels the same.

I have also noticed I am having a lot of anxiety going places with my husband. This second round of healing I am in constant fear we are going to run into one of his whores. Last time I had to worry about one whore.  I knew her name and I knew what she looked like.  This time I do know a couple of them, but the rest are for the most part a mystery.  The only solution I have is to move far away.In the future I know I will move far away, unfortunately it is going to be along time. 

It makes me so sad that everything has been turned upside down again.  I mourn the loss of what I thought we had rebuilt.  I mourn it more than I mourn our marriage pre-affair.  The pain and sadness from this are unexplainable. The best way to explain it “Imagine losing your child when they were young.  Being betrayed by a spouse is that feeling every single day you wake up.” Eventually you learn to deal with the pain.  It makes you a special kind of strong.

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