On a recent trip to a neighboring city my husband and I decided to stop at a park and let our 7-year-old son play for a while. I had driven by this park several times and always wanted to stop, unfortunately I was always too busy. On this day I was more than happy to take the time to stop. We had been cooped up for too long, our son needed to get some energy out and I needed to take in some nature and get grounded.
Some things about my husband I adore. He is spontaneous, adventurous, loving, caring, protective and most importantly a good father. There are other things I dislike especially the things that have recently come to my attention. Qualities such as lying, cheating, unforthcoming, amongst other things. I never know which person I am going to get. Am I dealing with the husband I fell in love with, the one who was consistent for 17 years or the other husband that I am unfamiliar with, the one who pulled the wool over my eyes for 4 years?
Like so many in my situation I wish I could have the husband I fell in love with, the one I had for 17 years. The husband whom I know, the one before he fell ill. I wish there was a way I knew for sure he could be the man I fell in love with. The one he promises to be in the future. I wish more than anything I knew for sure this man was still in him and that is all he was ever going to be for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, there is no way to know. You just never know. You never really know anything in life. This has been the hardest lesson I have taken away from all this. You never know, know anything in life.
So, sitting here on this hill at a park listening to our son play in the background, looking at this beautiful view of the lake it comes down to this. If the weather was crappy would I still enjoy the view of the lake? The answer is no, probably not, but is it worth stopping and enjoying this park on a beautiful day? Yes! SO, what brings me more pleasure, what is it worth to me to have this beautiful view. Do I relish the days my husband is the loveable guy I fell in love with or do I focus on his bad weather days, the days that are said to be in the past? For today, for now, I chose this beautiful view with the sun on my face and the warmth it provides on a cold winter day. For today I chose to enjoy this man that I fell in love with. It really comes down to that. Is what he put me through worth giving up all the good? Is it worth throwing 17 years of a beautiful marriage down the drain? For now, it is worth it as long as we keep heading towards more sunny beautiful days.