On a recent trip to a neighboring city my husband and I decided to stop at a park and let our 7-year-old son play for a while. I had driven by this park several times and always wanted to stop, unfortunately I was always too busy. On this day I was more than happy to take the time to stop. We had been cooped up for too long, our son needed to get some energy out and I needed to take in some nature and get grounded.
Some things about my husband I adore. He is spontaneous, adventurous, loving, caring, protective and most importantly a good father. There are other things I dislike especially the things that have recently come to my attention. Qualities such as lying, cheating, unforthcoming, amongst other things. I never know which person I am going to get. Am I dealing with the husband I fell in love with, the one who was consistent for 17 years or the other husband that I am unfamiliar with, the one who pulled the wool over my eyes for 4 years?
Like so many in my situation I wish I could have the husband I fell in love with, the one I had for 17 years. The husband whom I know, the one before he fell ill. I wish there was a way I knew for sure he could be the man I fell in love with. The one he promises to be in the future. I wish more than anything I knew for sure this man was still in him and that is all he was ever going to be for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, there is no way to know. You just never know. You never really know anything in life. This has been the hardest lesson I have taken away from all this. You never know, know anything in life.
So, sitting here on this hill at a park listening to our son play in the background, looking at this beautiful view of the lake it comes down to this. If the weather was crappy would I still enjoy the view of the lake? The answer is no, probably not, but is it worth stopping and enjoying this park on a beautiful day? Yes! SO, what brings me more pleasure, what is it worth to me to have this beautiful view. Do I relish the days my husband is the loveable guy I fell in love with or do I focus on his bad weather days, the days that are said to be in the past? For today, for now, I chose this beautiful view with the sun on my face and the warmth it provides on a cold winter day. For today I chose to enjoy this man that I fell in love with. It really comes down to that. Is what he put me through worth giving up all the good? Is it worth throwing 17 years of a beautiful marriage down the drain? For now, it is worth it as long as we keep heading towards more sunny beautiful days.
After this second D Day I am having a hard time deciding whether I will stay or leave my husband. It is a challenging emotion to put into words. It comes down to this. I am out the door but if he can do the work, I would rather stay with him because he is the love of my life. We have been together 20 years, I would hate to throw all that down the drain if he can get better. He has been going to counseling and shows a great deal of remorse for what he has done. I will never love someone as much as I love him. He was my first everything and I always thought he would be my last. When he asks for a commitment, I cannot say I am committed to him. By committed I do not mean I will cheat on him I mean knowing whether I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I am pondering whether or not his value to my life is more or less then his ability to add value to my life. This time around it is a tough equation to solve. The last time he asked for a commitment from me, I was reminded of an exercise I did a few months back where I wrote about how I would like to love myself. It was all about self-love which is different then self-care. You should look for a partner who loves you like you love yourself. Therefore, you will see articles and memes on loving yourself before you find a partner. Loving yourself is a vital part in finding the right partner match for you. You will not find a good partner until you know how you want to be loved and no one knows how to love you like you do. Below is what the exercise looks like. I encourage you to do the same if you are unsure whether you are being treated right in a relationship, need to put your needs in writing or you are currently looking for a lifelong partner.
List what it would look like if you were to love yourself?
I would always make sure I drove a reliable car with roadside service and insurance. I would never be afraid to break down.
I would feel put together. Have clean clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc.
I would have a home that rises and welcomes me when I walk in the door. This home is properly taken care of and loved. I can make a call at anytime to get anything taken care of within a week.
I would remove anything that does not make me happy. Examples: Negative people, situations, jobs, items etc. without hesitation. If it doesn’t serve me then it doesn’t deserve me.
I would have good quality time alone and allow myself to feel what I am. I would journal, hike, travel etc.
I would have good quality friends that inspire me to be a better person. If a “friend” was not making my life better, I would remove them from my life.
Love my family to the best of my ability not feeling like I must have them involved in my life.
I would give myself gifts that make me happy. Flowers, chocolate, trinkets, etc. on a regular basis.
I would have a job that felt like a hobby. This job provided me with exactly what I need in my life. Whether it be a home, vehicle or extracurricular activities.
I would always be available to myself. If I was having a rough day or something happened to me, I would be willing to take a step back and look at the situation as though I was a loved one.
I manage my time wisely. I only spend time on things that benefit my happiness.
I always listen to my intuition. I never question it!
I would take good care of my health. I would get my teeth taken care of, see medical help when needed, eat properly and only put good items into my body.
Hold myself to the highest standard of morals.
Always be able to keep a secret. Whether the secret was about myself or someone I loved. Except for things I were to find immoral.
I would never talk or think bad about myself. I would never think I was fat, un loveable or under appreciated. If these feelings were to happen, I would have a good way of dealing with them in a healthy way or seek help from a friend or professional.
What would you never tolerate from someone you love?
Invasion of privacy. Photos, journal, diary, computer, home, bathroom, clothes.
Being called something I am not. Cheater, liar, dishonest, lesbian, etc.
Being told what to do with my time. If I need a break alone, I need to be alone.
Being told who I can and cannot talk to or hang out with.
Being told what I can do or what I can or cannot attend, whether it be a school, class, concert or anything similar.
Being told how to feel when I just shared how I feel. How I feel is how I feel.
Someone who does not acknowledge how they affect my life in a good or bad way.
Negative people in my life or close to me. Liars, thieves, cheaters, immoral people.
Dishonest partner. Any dishonesty would be a reason to remove them from my life. Whether they were dishonest with me or someone else.
Someone who is disrespectful of my time. If you are going to do something to hurt me just leave me now. I don’t have time to waste on people who don’t deserve it.
Someone who exhibits bad behavior but expects the opposite from you. Double standards.
Un equality. I am to act one way, but they have the right to act the opposite. Like double standards but more like expect me to act like a girl instead of a guy. If I want to act like a guy, then I am going to act like a guy.
Someone with different morals. If I have a partner, they need to exhibit the same morals.
Stalker. Someone who must know every single move of mine whether it is going to the store or they call constantly asking what I am doing. They make you feel smothered and unable to breathe.
Someone who does not question why I do things the way I do. A good example is having a blanket in my car. I have been accused of having it there for sex reasons.
Someone who does not understand the need to take care of myself. Getting dressed nice, having nails done, taking a bath or shower, etc. They always think you are doing it for other reasons then just to feel good about yourself.
Someone who does not control what I can and cannot buy by holding onto the money.
Someone who is interested and wants to do exactly what I am doing. They must do the exact same activities I do when I do them. I am talking EVERYTHING.
Someone who views me being smart as a threat or feel the need to be smarter then me.
Someone who is only infatuated with themselves, act as though they are God. Example would be when talking with them they will not allow you to talk. You are required to listen to every word of theirs and you must show concern.
Someone who is a “one upper.” No matter what you do or have been through they will always have done better or experienced worse.
A partner that expects me to do everything. Clean, cook, take care of the kids, help them with work, be their therapist, fix all their problems, etc.
Someone who blames people for all their problems. Someone who does not take accountability for their actions.
Someone who is quick to point out peoples flaws but fail to recognize their own.
Someone who makes fun or talks ill of people.
Someone who is negative and refuses to see how they are negative.
A partner who cannot keep a job, a running vehicle, friendships, etc.
A partner who unwilling to take care of themselves. Their teeth, health whether mental or physical or they chose to do careless acts without thinking about the consequences (stealing, lying, etc.).
A partner who is addicted to porn, sex or anything similar.
Someone who has kept important information from me. This is the same thing as a lie.
Someone who expects me to be open with them, but they will not return the favor.
What descriptive words would you use to describe your perfect partner? Please contribute a couple of your words in the comment section below.
“The best thing that can happen to any person is finding a partner in life who inspires their growth, waters them, shake away their insecurities and awakens them to their endless possibilities.” – Lauren Beth
I DON’T TRUST WORDS.
I EVEN QUESTION ACTIONS.
BUT I NEVER DOUBT PATTERNS.
If you found this article helpful ‘please give it a share, like or comment.