Have compassion. Advice for the adulterer.

I get lots of questions from betrayers and the betrayed.  The most recent question from a betrayer has got me thinking a little more into it. They were wanting to know what they can do to make their spouse feel better?  They pointed out the fact their spouse needs reassurance every single day and what else they could do to help them heal? This got me thinking. The last couple days have be compiling a list of what not to dos.  There is one particular “not to do” as I just experienced.

This morning I woke up from a nightmare. It was one of those realistic nightmares and it lasted all night long.  The disgusting images that were in my head had me sick to my stomach, shaking and at my Husband when I woke up.  It didn’t help that the day before I had to see two of the filthy tramp homewreckers as you might have read from my post yesterday.  I had to breathe the same air as them, keep their secrets and act as though I didn’t know shit.  One of them I am having an extremely really hard time with.  She is completely repulsive.  Head to toe.  She is an ex family member.  She has always been inappropriate with my husband.  In the past she has purposely kept me out of family events.  She has been a thorn in my side ever since I joined this family 20 years ago.  I hate her to the core and hate is not something I take lightly. So, when I wake up from this nightmare, I ended up getting very little support from my husband.  I vaguely remember getting a hug.  I was having an episode of epic proportions and only someone who has been through this knows the excruciating pain.  The worst part is he states “I was doing good.  Why do you have to ruin it for me?” another statement was “Every time I have a doctor’s appointment you want to start a fight with me right before I leave.”  Not only did I have to deal with a million triggers the day before by seeing the two skanks I AM NOW BEING BLAMED for ruing your day? All because I had a nightmare about a gross place your dick went?  What the hell? I know the context his statements were in but it still hurt to the core in the heat of the moment.

 So, for now on when I am asked what can a betrayer do to make you feel better?  The first thing is reassurance, but the second most important thing is compassion for the fact your spouse is going to have bad days that set them back to day one.  These days can be months or years later. The symptoms will be short lived, but they are raw, real feelings. We do not get to chose when these emotions come up. Nightmares will last years.  If we have been holding a lot of our emotions in, you can guarantee an explosion.  But whatever you do NEVER BLAME YOUR HURT SPOUSE FOR RUIINNG YOUR DAY OR PROGRESS BECAUSE THEY ARE HAVING A MOMENT.  Let them have these moments and be compassionate and continue to reassure them that you are there for them.

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