You want dinner? Okay, let me remember how.

I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years. The last few years feel fraudulent and before the second D-Day I was at a point where I was the happiest I had been my entire life.  Everyday I am sick to my stomach.  My heart does not stop racing, it has now been racing for 7 months straight without a single break.  I am under constant attack from all the “feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not.  Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to live but I would never kill myself. 

The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering.  I got asked the other day to make dinner.  I had to ask my family what I used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook!  Thankfully my family remembers and filled me in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner.  I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage.  Just thinking about it right now makes my heart race that much more.  It feels like a huge monumental task.  Making stuffed cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the mountain.

My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic event for the whole family.  There is a reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.

Why is recovery so much worse this time?

8 thoughts on “You want dinner? Okay, let me remember how.

  1. horsesrcumin 04/07/2019 / 10:04 pm

    Isn’t it terrible, LaurenBeth??? You can’t imagine it being worse. But it really is! I think it is that terrible feeling of fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. That we trusted again. And we were wrong. It aches. So damn much

    Like

  2. Michelle Renee 04/08/2019 / 1:28 pm

    I am hear for you. You are so strong. You will get there. Did you complete the stuffed cabbage?

    Like

  3. Ria Robi 04/16/2019 / 1:26 pm

    I really love this post and how you captured the essence of how we feel after our whole lives and everything we know has been turned upside down. I too remember feeling so guilty about being a bad mother while at the same time trying to cope with depression. Look forward to seeing more of your posts.

    Ria Robi

    Like

    • Lauren Beth 04/16/2019 / 1:34 pm

      Thank you for your kind words it means the world to me. ❤️❤️❤️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.