Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma

I did this article awhile back. Today has been another tough one in the parenting department.

Wish I could have been more of a mother.

I have never known guilt until a little over a year ago when I was able to look back on the last few years and how much my life had flipped upside down. I cannot help but feel guilty for not being there for my children as I should have. I am still not there for them as much as I would like. I am currently under constant anxiety attacks.  I am dealing with a second round of recovery.  (Read my story here) It was when I mentioned this to my therapist I was reminded that my absence as a parent was not all my fault and was a 50/50 thing. My husband was just as much at fault.   My current therapist reminded me that when we grow up, we are never taught that we are going to be several people throughout our lifetime, and it is perfectly okay to change.  Their words give me some comfort, but I do miss the parent I was before D-Day.

I am going to share a tough moment for me so that others out there do not feel alone in the struggles of parenting while suffering from betrayal trauma. The last couple years my Husband had to step up to the plate and take care of the children more than he had ever before.  Recently I picked up our 7-year-old son by myself for the first time since he entered elementary school. 1 ½ years later and I finally picked him up by myself. When I stopped at the store on the way home, he was a little scarred to get out of the car and go into the store with me.  He said “Mommy, you are okay to take me in the store?”  This completely wrenched on every heart string I have.  It dawned on me that his Mom was not capable of being fully present for 3 years of his life and he is only 7. That is almost half his life. I went from being room parent, PTA member, soccer mom to my current position as mentally ill Mom. 

The rolls of Mom and Dad have completely flipped around in our household.  It is strange to see my husband volunteering weekly at the school and having more knowledge about our sons learning, teacher and classmates then I do.  But I have to say it is refreshing at the same time. He struggles with the same stuff I struggled with when I was a Stay at home Mom with our two oldest, one whom is an adult and the other in High School. It makes me happy to see him enjoying some time doing what I used to enjoy.  

One day at a time I am slowly becoming a resemblance of the Mom I used to be but this time it is better.  I get to share the experience with my Husband whom now understands what it is like to care for the kids as a  Stay at Home Parent.  We have suffered in every aspect of our life because of infidelity but we are working on making it better than before and this makes me happy.

Awakening Freaking Hurts

I see the question asked so many times.  What does an awakening feel like?  I will give you my best shot at explaining it.

Going through an awakening is the most painful thing you ever could imagine. Everything within and outside of you changes. Your energy, your body, your beliefs, your views, your thoughts, your diet, absolutely everything.

 I wish it didn’t have to be so painful but unfortunately from sharing my experience and learning of others experiences it is a painful process that can last for quite a bit of time. Most people become awakened because of a traumatic event happening in their life. In my case my awakening started when I was 17 years into my marriage and found out my husband had an emotional affair.  Three years later I thought I was completely awakened and healed from the betrayal. Then it hit again.  I found out he was a sex addicted person who lacked control.  He has been with countless woman within that 3 years when I believe he was healing right along with me. He had become a man that he used to loathe.

So, surprise to me I am still in the middle of my awakening.  I still have more to learn. I am called to learn my craft on a much deeper level than I had ever imagined. As painful as it may be, I know this is necessary for the higher good. Since I suffer from PTSD due to the betrayal trauma I have an added awareness to my surroundings. I was already a hyper sensitive person (HSP), an empath amongst other things. With this added variant of PTSD from being attacked on my home turf that I still live in, I am much stronger in all aspects of my powers. I have always been “magical” but now I am extra “magical” and I still have a lot to learn about my magic.

I know my pain is not over and I still have a difficult road ahead, but I can keep a positive outlook because the universe knows exactly what is right. Plus, I know I have guardians looking out for me.