You want dinner? Okay, let me remember how.

I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years. The last few years feel fraudulent and before the second D-Day I was at a point where I was the happiest I had been my entire life.  Everyday I am sick to my stomach.  My heart does not stop racing, it has now been racing for 7 months straight without a single break.  I am under constant attack from all the “feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not.  Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to live but I would never kill myself. 

The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering.  I got asked the other day to make dinner.  I had to ask my family what I used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook!  Thankfully my family remembers and filled me in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner.  I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage.  Just thinking about it right now makes my heart race that much more.  It feels like a huge monumental task.  Making stuffed cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the mountain.

My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic event for the whole family.  There is a reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.

Why is recovery so much worse this time?

Awakening Freaking Hurts

I see the question asked so many times.  What does an awakening feel like?  I will give you my best shot at explaining it.

Going through an awakening is the most painful thing you ever could imagine. Everything within and outside of you changes. Your energy, your body, your beliefs, your views, your thoughts, your diet, absolutely everything.

 I wish it didn’t have to be so painful but unfortunately from sharing my experience and learning of others experiences it is a painful process that can last for quite a bit of time. Most people become awakened because of a traumatic event happening in their life. In my case my awakening started when I was 17 years into my marriage and found out my husband had an emotional affair.  Three years later I thought I was completely awakened and healed from the betrayal. Then it hit again.  I found out he was a sex addicted person who lacked control.  He has been with countless woman within that 3 years when I believe he was healing right along with me. He had become a man that he used to loathe.

So, surprise to me I am still in the middle of my awakening.  I still have more to learn. I am called to learn my craft on a much deeper level than I had ever imagined. As painful as it may be, I know this is necessary for the higher good. Since I suffer from PTSD due to the betrayal trauma I have an added awareness to my surroundings. I was already a hyper sensitive person (HSP), an empath amongst other things. With this added variant of PTSD from being attacked on my home turf that I still live in, I am much stronger in all aspects of my powers. I have always been “magical” but now I am extra “magical” and I still have a lot to learn about my magic.

I know my pain is not over and I still have a difficult road ahead, but I can keep a positive outlook because the universe knows exactly what is right. Plus, I know I have guardians looking out for me.