I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts
about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years. The last
few years feel fraudulent and before the second D-Day I was at a point where I
was the happiest I had been my entire life. Everyday I am sick to my stomach. My heart does not stop racing, it has now been
racing for 7 months straight without a single break. I am under constant attack from all the
“feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to
the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not. Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to
live but I would never kill myself.
The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for
not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering. I got asked the other day to make
dinner. I had to ask my family what I
used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook! Thankfully my family remembers and filled me
in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner. I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage. Just thinking about it right now makes my
heart race that much more. It feels like
a huge monumental task. Making stuffed
cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount
Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the
My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic
event for the whole family. There is a
reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.
Why is recovery so much worse this time?
I see the question asked so many times. What does an awakening feel like? I will give you my best shot at explaining it.
Going through an awakening is the most painful thing you
ever could imagine. Everything within and outside of you changes. Your energy,
your body, your beliefs, your views, your thoughts, your diet, absolutely
I wish it didn’t have
to be so painful but unfortunately from sharing my experience and learning of
others experiences it is a painful process that can last for quite a bit of
time. Most people become awakened because of a traumatic event happening in
their life. In my case my awakening started when I was 17 years into my
marriage and found out my husband had an emotional affair. Three years later I thought I was completely
awakened and healed from the betrayal. Then it hit again. I found out he was a sex addicted person who lacked
control. He has been with countless
woman within that 3 years when I believe he was healing right along with me. He
had become a man that he used to loathe.
So, surprise to me I am still in the middle of my awakening. I still have more to learn. I am called to
learn my craft on a much deeper level than I had ever imagined. As painful as
it may be, I know this is necessary for the higher good. Since I suffer from PTSD
due to the betrayal trauma I have an added awareness to my surroundings. I was
already a hyper sensitive person (HSP), an empath amongst other things. With this
added variant of PTSD from being attacked on my home turf that I still live in,
I am much stronger in all aspects of my powers. I have always been “magical”
but now I am extra “magical” and I still have a lot to learn about my magic.
I know my pain is not over and I still have a difficult road
ahead, but I can keep a positive outlook because the universe knows exactly what
is right. Plus, I know I have guardians looking out for me.