The Other Woman. Not worth the energy.

You must forget the otherwhores, skanks and homewreckers.  They are not worth your time.  

Just the same as your husband, they know what they did. They know they helped break a family and shattered children’s lives.  They helped break a marriage.  They helped destroy another woman.  They know they are not worthy of anything from humankind.  They know they are trash that doesn’t belong here on earth.  They torture themselves every day and will continue to be tortured for the rest if their lives unless some serious repenting is done.  The karma that these people receive is humongous. They will live their lives in misery with miserable people. 

Never let the others bother you. You are a skyscraper and they are ants.

My Why for Staying

Typical Friday Nite

The betrayed often feel ashamed or like they owe an explanation for why they either stayed or left the adulterer. The heavy pressure can be felt from family, society, community, or a social circle.  This pressure can become overwhelming and debilitating and wreaks havoc on an already fragile situation. It is important to remember that every marriage and relationship is different.  Everyone has different values and morals.  We all grieve what our relationship once was. We all grieve in different ways and at a different pace.  The one thing that we have in common is the deep down sick to the stomach feeling of betrayal.

I chose to stay with my husband even though lots of new revelations are out in the open and this second D-Day has taken its toll on me. There are over a dozen woman walking around locally that I will be confronting.  We were semi famous in a small town and there is gossip.  The magnitude of the damage is a lot larger in our small community we have lived in. I don’t owe anybody an explanation to why I am currently staying but I am going to give an explanation just so I feel better. Plus, being able to write it out is helpful. Another good reason is to get it written out is my therapist cancelled our appointment last week right after I just did the big “Sit down and ask session.” And I have some releasing I need to do.

I have been with my husband for 22 years.  We have 3 children together.  Our oldest 19-yr-old son has schizophrenia and is a Type 1 Diabetic, our 16-year-old daughter has Rheumatoid Arthritis and our youngest 7-year-old boy is very active and the most challenging of the children so far. My husband and I have been through hell and back with each other.  Is our relationship always great?  HECK NO!  Do the good times outweigh the bad times? HELL YES!  80% of our marriage has been pure love and bliss.  We are the perfect team.  Is this time going to be hard to overcome? Definitely! Is it possible I am making the wrong decision?  Maybe.  But no matter what I know I will be fine in the end no matter the outcome.

With everything we have gone through we have learned a lot about illnesses.  Just like our oldest son has schizophrenia and both our parents suffer from mental illnesses we recognize the last 4 years of behavior is partially due to an underlying mental illness.  We are still in the process of getting everything diagnosed but I cannot tell you how proud I am of my husband for taking the steps needed to get better.  After this second Discovery Day he has shown more remorse than he has ever in the past.  Everyday multiple times a day he is reassuring me that everything will be okay.  He holds me for as long as I need him to for my anxiety attack to go away.  He is more aware of what I am going through and does everything in his power to accommodate me including telling me some ugly truths that I am sure he never thought he would tell. So far, he is doing exactly what I have asked so that I can feel safe staying in this marriage.

If you came to a different conclusion for your own marriage my conclusion should not affect your reasoning at all.  Sometimes it is impossible to reason why we do what we do.  If you chose, you did the first major step which is deciding.  Whether it be stay or leave you made the decision for your own reason and you know what?  You will be okay.  It doesn’t feel like it but rest assured you will be okay.

One Word Exercise. EMDR part 4

After my first D-Day 3 1/2 years ago I was incapacitated, suicidal and hopeless. I had no choice but to reach out for professional help. Thankfully I found the perfect therapist for me that did EMDR and was very helpful in sending me home with exercises and tools that I could use between my appointments with her. A year and half with her and I was finally feeling like a person again. 

For this exercise you are going to need to be in a relaxing place with no distractions.  It is best to have someone lead you through this meditation but you can also read the steps below, then do the exercise.  The idea is to train your brain to put a feeling to a word. A happy word to a happy feeling. 

  1. Close your eyes.  Place yourself in the most beautiful, comfortable, relaxing setting you can think of. It can be anywhere in the world or out of this world. The choice is yours.
  2. What does this place feel like?  Is it warm, cool, hot, busy, slow.  Get all the feels.  Is your skin sweaty, cool to the touch, warm, etc. What are you wearing?
  3. What are the sounds you hear? Are there any animals, running water, waves, cars, people, children, etc.
  4. What type of surface is under your feet?  Are you sitting, standing, laying?
  5. Is there anyone with you? Your favorite animal, a loved one 
  6. Imagine you can stay in this place for as long as you want.  Absolutely no rush to leave. You relax into your surroundings feeling no rush to leave. Time stays still in this place. You are safe from everything.
  7. Sit in this place and take in all the scenery, feelings, scents, etc. until you can actually feel yourself there.
  8. What is one descriptive WORD you can use to describe this place? What WORD describes how you feel in this place?

My word has always been peace. It puts me right onto Huntington Beach in California feeling the sand between my toes.  One of my favorite places to visit when I was a child.  The warmth of the sun, the sound of the waves crashing and the seagulls is a place of comfort for me.  My husband knows to say “peace” whenever I get really worked up in an anxiety attack.  Just the word alone puts me there and I can feel all the feels.

I hope you are able to find a place for you and one word that puts you there.