Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma

Wish I could have been more of a mother.

I have never known guilt until a little over a year ago when I was able to look back on the last few years and how much my life had flipped upside down. I cannot help but feel guilty for not being there for my children as I should have. I am still not there for them as much as I would like. I am currently under constant anxiety attacks.  I am dealing with a second round of recovery.  (Read my story here) It was when I mentioned this to my therapist I was reminded that my absence as a parent was not all my fault and was a 50/50 thing. My husband was just as much at fault.   My current therapist reminded me that when we grow up, we are never taught that we are going to be several people throughout our lifetime, and it is perfectly okay to change.  Their words give me some comfort, but I do miss the parent I was before D-Day.

I am going to share a tough moment for me so that others out there do not feel alone in the struggles of parenting while suffering from betrayal trauma. The last couple years my Husband had to step up to the plate and take care of the children more than he had ever before.  Recently I picked up our 7-year-old son by myself for the first time since he entered elementary school. 1 ½ years later and I finally picked him up by myself. When I stopped at the store on the way home, he was a little scarred to get out of the car and go into the store with me.  He said “Mommy, you are okay to take me in the store?”  This completely wrenched on every heart string I have.  It dawned on me that his Mom was not capable of being fully present for 3 years of his life and he is only 7. That is almost half his life. I went from being room parent, PTA member, soccer mom to my current position as mentally ill Mom. 

The rolls of Mom and Dad have completely flipped around in our household.  It is strange to see my husband volunteering weekly at the school and having more knowledge about our sons learning, teacher and classmates then I do.  But I have to say it is refreshing at the same time. He struggles with the same stuff I struggled with when I was a Stay at home Mom with our two oldest, one whom is an adult and the other in High School. It makes me happy to see him enjoying some time doing what I used to enjoy.  

One day at a time I am slowly becoming a resemblance of the Mom I used to be but this time it is better.  I get to share the experience with my Husband whom now understands what it is like to care for the kids as a  Stay at Home Parent.  We have suffered in every aspect of our life because of infidelity but we are working on making it better than before and this makes me happy.

Well I passed! I think?

Today I had a test. It was a tough one I had studied and practiced for a couple months. I think I passed. It all depends on which part of me you are asking.

I had to come face to face with two of the other woman. There are special gross circumstances when it comes to these two but I will leave the details out in case you are eating food.

I think I handled myself pretty well since I made a promise to not let them know I know and I cannot kill them. Believe me they will get theirs and they will get it good. It is all about timing with these two.

Do you know how hard it is to keep my composure? Freaking impossible, but I still managed to do it. This is a skill someone who has been through trauma has mastered. We can keep a cool composure at the same time be falling apart inside.

All I know is I am not the only one who has to come face to face with the other woman and not kill them. It is a tough situation and I do not wish it on anyone in the whole world.

Keep battling friends.