One of the most difficult symptoms of betrayal P.T.S.D. and trauma are the triggers. Triggers can be physical or mental and can wreck havoc on your health. For a long time I had difficulty explaining what it was like having triggers day-in and day-out. Below is the best way I could describe it.
You can start by imagining yourself as a small lake, the beautiful sandy shores are the barrier you built to protect yourself. You have existed for a long time with nothing disturbing your waters and the shores, but the occasional wind and rain (kids, family, work, etc.) until the unexpected happened. A rare category 4 hurricane named Betrayal barreled through your waters and damaged your shoreline. Not only did Hurricane Betrayal spend a good amount of time breaking down your shores, it also broke down a rocky ledge 1000 ft above you. Within a day this ledge starts to crumble. The very first piece to fall from the ledge is a boulder the size of a Semi-Truck. This boulder disturbs your peace and safety over a period of a few days reminding you of the hurricane. The next boulder that falls into your water is the size of a pick-up truck. This boulder disturbs you for a day. The next boulder is the size of a compact car, you are disturbed a little less than the previous boulders but dislike how it reminds you of Hurricane Betrayal. You have these boulders sporadically crashing down for a few months. They vary in size. Every day you are unsure what type of rock is going to be falling into your water and what memories it will stir up. It could be any size at any given moment. This makes you worried, edgy, panicked, and nervous every minute of every single day. Every single pebble that comes down from that ledge reminds you of Hurricane Betrayal.
After 6 months of large boulders, rocks and pebbles disturbing your waters, you no longer identify as a lake, you are unsure what you are. You become highly sensitive to anything that touches your water or shoreline. The wind and rain (children, family, friends, finances, work) pick away at your shores little by little even if just a minuscule amount. Everything that touches your water leaves its mark on you. You are in constant fear of no longer being a lake, of a boulder completely crashing down into your water destroying all the shoreline you have left after Betrayal hit.
Years goes by, you are exposed to the wind and rain. The ledge letting boulders, rocks and pebbles go is something you accept being there. You are still a lake, like before. You have weathered through it all. You even made it through another hurricane. Some days you would have a boulder and tiny rocks land in your water. On other days the ledge would drop pebbles all day long. Gradually over time the ledge stopped dropping the boulders and only dropped pebbles and an occasional stone. Sometimes the stones would be significant and sometimes not. There was a week where you didn’t have anything fall into your water. The ledge you kept constant eye on no longer looks like a ledge. You can barely see where it was. You will always remember what that ledge looked like right after Hurricane Betrayal hit. You will not forget the damage Betrayal and that ledge did to you, but you might appreciate what it made you become.
Today I was reading an article about marriage and love/sex addiction on http://www.pschycology.com Several times throughout the article it mentioned the word commitment. Stating that both parties in a relationship need to be fully committed and even more important when infidelity is involved.
All our life we hear this word. Commit to school, commit to your job, commit to your paper, etc. We are always asked for our commitment. Ever since I first found out my Husband cheated, my whole world turned upside down and has never been the same since. Same with the word commitment being used for marriage. Commitment will never mean the same thing to me, especially after this recent D-Day.
Yeah sure I can give it my commitment. He can say he is committed but it doesn’t mean diddly shit. I have always gave it my all and I always will. But in all reality commitment is a one-way street. Using the word commitment for a marriage sounds like there is a mutual feeling. You have no idea if your partner is going to return the commitment even if they say they are. Of course, you are showing commitment. You know yourself. You never know others. I thought I knew my husband through and through. This is how betrayal hurts so much. We rely on someone else when we need to be relying on ourselves.
It all comes down to having a commitment to yourself and hope in turn your partner appreciates that, and you appreciate their commitment to themselves. This makes for two happy people in a relationship.
Below is a list of signs I should have noticed before I found out my spouse was cheating. Not all signs signify a cheating spouse. Please reach out for professional help if you feel your spouse is betraying you.
When your spouse has little patience with you (short tempered).
Your location is always tracked but when you check theirs, it is off.
When they have access to all your accounts, computer and/or phones but you have no access to theirs. When you confront them about some of their social media friends or conversation it makes them very defensive.
Your whole relationship they have been over jealous or they are more jealous than usual.
When your intuition is telling you something is not right. Example would be you feel uncomfortable going through their vehicle or laundry.
They are shaving their hair different “down there”.
They are taking extra care of their appearance.
They don’t care to say goodnight to you and sleep in a different spot in the house then they normally would have.
They always stay up later then you or get up extra early without reason.
They spend an extra amount of time on the toilet or in the bathroom with door locked.
When they put their phone down it is placed screen down so you are unable to see the screen.
They make excuses about their phone not working as a reason why you were unable to get a hold of them.
When they say they cannot let you know where they were because it is a secret only their club or job can know.
Whenever you start to make friends with someone, they come up with every reason in the book why they weren’t good people and you should not be hanging out with them.
You are not allowed to go out with friends. When you do you get constant text messages and phone calls. If you were to take a long time to call back or message you get accused of being up to no good.
Starts taking phone calls away from you when they never did this before.
Checks Voicemails away from you.
You are not allowed to answer their phone.
They have developed opinions not normal for them and they will not tell you where they heard them from.
If you would like to add anything to this list, please list them in the comments below. If you are one of the people who failed to see these signs do not fret. There are millions who feel the same.
Below is a list of other signs from other social platforms.
@thenerveofsomepeople Stopped putting pictures of the partner on social media.
@sufficientgrace65 Constantly on computer and phone outside.
@wattsoswares Going back on the pill after they had the snip.
@awe.ful.some Came home from work freshly showered.
@nessmess24 Putting a lock on their phone and saying it was for the kids.
@k.z.dragon New cologne. New clothes and always going to the gym.