I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts
about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years. The last
few years feel fraudulent and before the second D-Day I was at a point where I
was the happiest I had been my entire life. Everyday I am sick to my stomach. My heart does not stop racing, it has now been
racing for 7 months straight without a single break. I am under constant attack from all the
“feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to
the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not. Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to
live but I would never kill myself.
The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for
not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering. I got asked the other day to make
dinner. I had to ask my family what I
used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook! Thankfully my family remembers and filled me
in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner. I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage. Just thinking about it right now makes my
heart race that much more. It feels like
a huge monumental task. Making stuffed
cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount
Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the
My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic
event for the whole family. There is a
reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.
I did this article awhile back. Today has been another tough one in the parenting department.
I have never known guilt until a little over a year ago when I was able to look back on the last few years and how much my life had flipped upside down. I cannot help but feel guilty for not being there for my children as I should have. I am still not there for them as much as I would like. I am currently under constant anxiety attacks. I am dealing with a second round of recovery. (Read my story here) It was when I mentioned this to my therapist I was reminded that my absence as a parent was not all my fault and was a 50/50 thing. My husband was just as much at fault. My current therapist reminded me that when we grow up, we are never taught that we are going to be several people throughout our lifetime, and it is perfectly okay to change. Their words give me some comfort, but I do miss the parent I was before D-Day.
I am going to share a tough moment for me so that others out
there do not feel alone in the struggles of parenting while suffering from
betrayal trauma. The last couple years my Husband had to step up to the plate and
take care of the children more than he had ever before. Recently I picked up our 7-year-old son by myself
for the first time since he entered elementary school. 1 ½ years later and I
finally picked him up by myself. When I stopped at the store on the way home,
he was a little scarred to get out of the car and go into the store with
me. He said “Mommy, you are okay to take
me in the store?” This completely wrenched
on every heart string I have. It dawned
on me that his Mom was not capable of being fully present for 3 years of his
life and he is only 7. That is almost half his life. I went from being room
parent, PTA member, soccer mom to my current position as mentally ill Mom.
The rolls of Mom and Dad have completely flipped around in
our household. It is strange to see my
husband volunteering weekly at the school and having more knowledge about our
sons learning, teacher and classmates then I do. But I have to say it is refreshing at the same
time. He struggles with the same stuff I struggled with when I was a Stay at
home Mom with our two oldest, one whom is an adult and the other in High
School. It makes me happy to see him enjoying some time doing what I used to
One day at a time I am slowly becoming a resemblance of the
Mom I used to be but this time it is better.
I get to share the experience with my Husband whom now understands what
it is like to care for the kids as a Stay
at Home Parent. We have suffered in
every aspect of our life because of infidelity but we are working on making it
better than before and this makes me happy.