Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma

Wish I could have been more of a mother.

I have never known guilt until a little over a year ago when I was able to look back on the last few years and how much my life had flipped upside down. I cannot help but feel guilty for not being there for my children as I should have. I am still not there for them as much as I would like. I am currently under constant anxiety attacks.  I am dealing with a second round of recovery.  (Read my story here) It was when I mentioned this to my therapist I was reminded that my absence as a parent was not all my fault and was a 50/50 thing. My husband was just as much at fault.   My current therapist reminded me that when we grow up, we are never taught that we are going to be several people throughout our lifetime, and it is perfectly okay to change.  Their words give me some comfort, but I do miss the parent I was before D-Day.

I am going to share a tough moment for me so that others out there do not feel alone in the struggles of parenting while suffering from betrayal trauma. The last couple years my Husband had to step up to the plate and take care of the children more than he had ever before.  Recently I picked up our 7-year-old son by myself for the first time since he entered elementary school. 1 ½ years later and I finally picked him up by myself. When I stopped at the store on the way home, he was a little scarred to get out of the car and go into the store with me.  He said “Mommy, you are okay to take me in the store?”  This completely wrenched on every heart string I have.  It dawned on me that his Mom was not capable of being fully present for 3 years of his life and he is only 7. That is almost half his life. I went from being room parent, PTA member, soccer mom to my current position as mentally ill Mom. 

The rolls of Mom and Dad have completely flipped around in our household.  It is strange to see my husband volunteering weekly at the school and having more knowledge about our sons learning, teacher and classmates then I do.  But I have to say it is refreshing at the same time. He struggles with the same stuff I struggled with when I was a Stay at home Mom with our two oldest, one whom is an adult and the other in High School. It makes me happy to see him enjoying some time doing what I used to enjoy.  

One day at a time I am slowly becoming a resemblance of the Mom I used to be but this time it is better.  I get to share the experience with my Husband whom now understands what it is like to care for the kids as a  Stay at Home Parent.  We have suffered in every aspect of our life because of infidelity but we are working on making it better than before and this makes me happy.

You don’t like the truth? Oh well!

Instagram: @infidelity_recovery

I am as honest as they come, probably to an extremely naive level.  Up until recently I assumed most people were like me.  I believed most adults did not lie, cheat or steal. Dumb right? I swore that those behaviors were mostly done when we were teenagers.  I have never intentionally surrounded myself with people who are liars, cheaters and thieves. I am getting close to turning 40 and just now realizing how much people are trash. Most people are rotten little poops and many other things, but I am trying to keep this post g rated. Thankfully I know I am not alone in being an honest faithful person. I have found many who are like me.  There are still good people out there. You may have to search far and wide, but they are out there.   We are just a rare gem in a trash filled world.

What is really starting to bother me is when these trashy people with their low morals and standards get mad at you for speaking the truth.  If you don’t like the truth, you should have thought about your actions before you made the conscious decisions you made.  If you are a hooker, then you are a hooker.  If you are a homewrecker then you are a homewrecker. If you are a cheater then you are a cheater.  I call it like it is.  This is my nature.  Just like your nature is to be a liar, cheater and thief. I speak the truth and will not apologize for it. However, I do not go out of my way to speak the truth, although it can be very tempting. I could demolish so many lives with all the truths I keep under my tongue, but if you rub me wrong, I will SPEAK THE TRUTH and you have no right or place to get upset about it.  That’s it!  End of story!

These people will also assume you are just like them.  Just because they do something, they believe everyone else does too.  They will go to the ends of the earth to prove it too.  In some cases, they will make their information up just so they can continue to believe everyone acts the same as them. I am seeing this filth becoming more prominent.  If you happen to be one of these filthy beings, STOP NOW.  You are ruining the planet and humanity with all the dirty toxins you are unleashing.

To all my fellow gems out there who are still honest and faithful, do not let these meager little bodies change who you are.  We are here to uplift them when they need us because you know they are going to need an honest, faithful person to help them feel better.  It is the way the universe works. The good and the bad.  The yin and the yang. Stay good my fellow honest and faithful friends.