Triggers From HURRICANE BETRAYAL

One of the most difficult symptoms of betrayal P.T.S.D. and trauma are the triggers.  Triggers can be physical or mental and can wreck havoc on your health.  For a long time I had difficulty explaining what it was like having triggers day-in and day-out.  Below is the best way I could describe it.

You can start by imagining yourself as a small lake, the beautiful sandy shores are the barrier you built to protect yourself. You have existed for a long time with nothing disturbing your waters and the shores, but the occasional wind and rain (kids, family, work, etc.) until the unexpected happened.  A rare category 4 hurricane named Betrayal barreled through your waters and damaged your shoreline. Not only did Hurricane Betrayal spend a good amount of time breaking down your shores, it also broke down a rocky ledge 1000 ft above you. Within a day this ledge starts to crumble.  The very first piece to fall from the ledge is a boulder the size of a Semi-Truck. This boulder disturbs your peace and safety over a period of a few days reminding you of the hurricane. The next boulder that falls into your water is the size of a pick-up truck.  This boulder disturbs you for a day. The next boulder is the size of a compact car, you are disturbed a little less than the previous boulders but dislike how it reminds you of Hurricane Betrayal.  You have these boulders sporadically crashing down for a few months. They vary in size.  Every day you are unsure what type of rock is going to be falling into your water and what memories it will stir up.  It could be any size at any given moment.  This makes you worried, edgy, panicked, and nervous every minute of every single day. Every single pebble that comes down from that ledge reminds you of Hurricane Betrayal.

After 6 months of large boulders, rocks and pebbles disturbing your waters, you no longer identify as a lake, you are unsure what you are.   You become highly sensitive to anything that touches your water or shoreline. The wind and rain (children, family, friends, finances, work) pick away at your shores little by little even if just a minuscule amount. Everything that touches your water leaves its mark on you. You are in constant fear of no longer being a lake, of a boulder completely crashing down into your water destroying all the shoreline you have left after Betrayal hit.

Years goes by, you are exposed to the wind and rain. The ledge letting boulders, rocks and pebbles go is something you accept being there.   You are still a lake, like before. You have weathered through it all. You even made it through another hurricane.  Some days you would have a boulder and tiny rocks land in your water.  On other days the ledge would drop pebbles all day long.  Gradually over time the ledge stopped dropping the boulders and only dropped pebbles and an occasional stone.  Sometimes the stones would be significant and sometimes not.  There was a week where you didn’t have anything fall into your water.  The ledge you kept constant eye on no longer looks like a ledge.  You can barely see where it was. You will always remember what that ledge looked like right after Hurricane Betrayal hit. You will not forget the damage Betrayal and that ledge did to you, but you might appreciate what it made you become.

EMDR & Home Therapy Exercises Part 5 “Chores”

I have learned a lot over the last 3 ½ years when it comes to what works when I am overwhelmed with triggers and heavy emotions. Some of the worse times for triggers are when I am doing household chores. A good example is when I do the dishes. I go on auto pilot when doing them and that is when the thoughts, triggers and emotions sneak in.  All the everyday chores a Mom must do are the type of chores I would have the hardest time with all the thoughts coming up. At any given moment of any day you could catch me balling my eyes out, frozen from the hurt, paused in time, in the middle of doing a chore.   

A little over a year and half ago during an appointment with my EMDR therapist I learned what to do when I was doing household chores to help process all the triggers I was having.  At the time I was having a hard time at work.  I was having to open boxes upon boxes of wood flooring.  My therapist brought up using a cross body motion to slice the boxes open.  The next day I sliced those boxes open with passion.  After the relief I received from this I started to implement the same thing to all chores I did.  After this second D-DayI am using this same therapy tool again. 

The way to do this exercise is simple.  When you are doing everyday household chores turn them into a chore where you use your body in a left to right rhythm. This is very similar to when Daniel in The Karate Kid does the “Wax on and wax off.” If you are unable to do the whole-body rhythm use your left hand, then switch to your right hand. A good example is when I vacuum, I push the vacuum with my left arm and pull back with my right. When I do dishes, I make sure I am passing the dish from one hand to the other. When cleaning counter tops I do the same thing.   I try to get the largest left to right motion and keep at a good fast paced rhythm. I allow all the triggers to come at me. I don’t try to control my thoughts or emotions. They tend to go as fast as they come when I would normally go on a roller coaster ride with my thoughts. As long as I keep a good pace, the thoughts are getting processed the way my brain can handle it best and in turn keeping myself from suffering anymore physical ailments.

This is a great way to process your thoughts and get them “filed away neatly” in your brain. I have noticed while going through this second recovery round I am having an easier time processing my triggers and find myself naturally doing the exercises and tools I learned from before.  When you practice all the different at home therapy exercises and tools you develop a second nature to processing your triggers that can provide some relief.    

Link to all At Home Therapy Tools

Motor Cycle Club, Harleys & the Local Bar Flies

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I really wanted to write about this sooner but thought it may be best to wait a couple days so that I may not release ugly things that did not need to be said.  I sat on it for a few days and I am still as pissed off as I was the first day I found out. So here it goes.

Let me start this by saying I never ever enjoyed bars.  I never have, and I never will.  Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) I have difficulty being in an establishment like a bar. I feel all the good and bad energy that has ever happened in that place, all at once.  I read every single person.  I know what they were like as a child, how many kids they have, how many marriages, if they are good or bad.  For the most part bars are the worse.  Don’t think I am coming down on all bars, I am sure there are some bars I would enjoy. There are things I can do to make sure I enjoy my time in bars. I can drink alcohol, listen to loud music and take breaks outside to regain my energy. I believe you could have quoted me something like this “Why the hell do people go into those disgusting low life places?”   Well, I WAS RIGHT and I will forever stand by my saying. For those locals and the bar flies that like to follow me, mainly because they have nothing better to do than look at local motorcycle club members as celebrities, if you see me in your establishment just know I am not there to have a good time.  I am there for business just as my Husband and I have always done while he was in the club.

When my husband joined a motorcycle club after the first D-Day  Click here for more info I made a point to support him in his membership of the club.  One of the original reasons he cheated was because he felt he had no freedom to do what he wanted, which in hindsight was not true but that is another topic.  For 3 years we lived a “biker” lifestyle.  We loved it and I found it as a good way to get over his infidelity.  Yeah well if you know my infidelity story you would know that I was played as a fool and this is yet another topic.

What I really wanted to address is the local bar flies ( you know who you are.)  I find it amazing how much bull crappy rumors are spread by you bottom dwellers .  It is appalling that there is so much untrue chatter going around.   Come on,, you know better.  I understand  you are drunk when you are in the bars but use some common sense and try not to tarnish a marriage and family more than they have already been.  It is already a tough thing being a spouse of a member but why the F&*^ would you make it worse?  Please do what most bar flies do; play pool, watch football, play darts, etc. Turning peoples lives into soap operas is the lowest of the low and only expectant from high schoolers.

Special note to a couple woman whom I am still not done learning about who have big mouths and loose pussies, keep your mouth shut and legs closed to married men. If he has a ring or is known to be married, stay away and do not run your mouth until you have heard from both sides. You are going to quickly become the “road hard and put away wet” whores. Lower than the hookers.

Also, there is a special must-read letter to a bartender named Melissa (see letter below) whom took it upon herself to make up our soap opera life and spread untrue rumors.  You are even lower then the lowest of all.  Worse than the homewreckers and the hookers.  My harsh words and feelings also go out to her friend an owner of a bar.  Miss Caroline you too are called as the lowest of the town. I am appalled there are even people out there like you.  Sisterhood ladies! Guess what? You messed with a sister that won’t stay quiet about your big mouths aka lady snitch. You will see your karma and I take satisfaction in knowing it is already in place.

 


Dear Local Bartender Melissa,

I don’t know you but apparently you know more about my personal life than I ever did.  Let me tell you this!  You are worse than the homewreckers who screwed my Husband and other husbands. I find it amazing that you must gossip about a local motorcycle club member and his family (3 children) as if we are some reality TV soap opera.  I am sure that are other things you can gossip about. Maybe you can talk about how your big mouth should stay quiet and do what it knows how to do, suck!

I am sure you could have asked the husbands wife for her side of the story before you so blatantly started spreading rumors and adding to a man’s sex addiction and marital problems. You are even lower than the cockroaches in the New York Subways. I am ashamed you have a vagina and are out there representing females!! You really need to be booted off this planet.  I will have fun knowing karma is being served and it will never stop.

Have a good life and keep your man tight!

Sincerely,

Appalled