You want dinner? Okay, let me remember how.

I am at a point in recovery where I am facing the facts about everything in my marriage with the focus being the last 3 years. The last few years feel fraudulent and before the second D-Day I was at a point where I was the happiest I had been my entire life.  Everyday I am sick to my stomach.  My heart does not stop racing, it has now been racing for 7 months straight without a single break.  I am under constant attack from all the “feels” and I see no relief soon. My only option to get help would be to go to the emergency room and tell them I was suicidal which I am not.  Of course, I wake up everyday not wanting to live but I would never kill myself. 

The worse part about all of this, is the guilt I feel for not being a good mother or wife. My family is suffering.  I got asked the other day to make dinner.  I had to ask my family what I used to cook. I did not remember what I used to cook!  Thankfully my family remembers and filled me in. So, for right now my tiny goal is to make the family a dinner.  I am hoping to do stuffed cabbage.  Just thinking about it right now makes my heart race that much more.  It feels like a huge monumental task.  Making stuffed cabbage is my equivalent to an obese person that plans on summiting Mount Everest. I just hope it doesn’t take near as long as if I were to climb the mountain.

My family will never get the old me back. Infidelity is a traumatic event for the whole family.  There is a reason a home wrecker is a home wrecker.

Why is recovery so much worse this time?

Passenger on a Train (At Home Therapy Exercises EMDR) Part 7

When you suffer from betrayal trauma and/or PTSD it can be very overwhelming to be in public places.  There could be a million different things that can cause triggers that send you into a downward spiral that is hard to get out of. For a better description of what it is like click here. Below is another tool I use when I am at home or in a public place.

When I am out in a public place I can and will get triggered by lots of things. There are over a million things that can trigger me  I learned to be a “Passenger on a Train”.  I visualize my train down to every little detail. It is good to get a good visualization of your train before you are in a public place.  Make sure your train has a window you can open so you can hear the noises too.  It is also important to smell the smells as you travel on this train. When you are getting triggered you can put yourself as a “Passenger on a Train”.  Watch the trigger go by from right to left or left to right.  Smell the smells, hear the noises and feel them go by as you travel on your train. The idea is to train your brain to take your triggers and process them in a way where you acknowledge them but do not let the feelings send you into that dreadful downward spiral.

The hardest part about this tool and other tools is to remember you have them available. Make sure you keep a list of different tools and exercises that work for you. This list should always be handy.

“You will never be the same, but you can be better.” -Lauren Beth