There is a common problem seen in marriages when one partner cheated. Sometimes the wandering spouse seeks outside advice from friends, family or even strangers. Everyone has overheard or been part of someone discussing their marriage when the spouse was not around. In most cases the discussion is about something negative about their partner. In my own case, my spouse would discuss our marriage with people who didn’t even know me. They would feed into his beliefs. Such beliefs as “all woman are bi sexual” or “all people cheat”. For someone who suffers from a mental illness these people offering advice only caused more illness and/or pain to him and his family.
The most damaging thing you can do in a marriage, even before there may be adultery is talking about or asking for advice about your marriage from outsiders. People tend to talk to their friends, family, co-workers, or anyone who may hear them out. The way the conversation goes all depends on who they are talking to. The best thing to do if there is trouble in your marriage is to seek professional help.
But what do you do if you are unable to get professional help? There are times you may talk about your marriage with others such as your Mom or best friend. There is nothing wrong with this if you talk about the conversation with your spouse later. It is never okay to keep that conversation hidden from your spouse. You need to give your spouse a chance to insert their thoughts about that conversation. It is a very good idea to avoid talking to people who think negatively about your spouse or people who have ulterior motives. Another option is to seek help online from trusted relationship websites.
If you are one for the friends or family members you are lending ears please be careful how you reply to the persons thoughts. You are never in possession of all whole truth. It is absolutely never okay to insert your personal thoughts when you know nothing about the other partner. You are passing judgement on something you know nothing about. There is all different sides of the truth. There is her side, his side and the truth. We all need to be careful when offering advice on relationships.
I have learned a lot over the last 3 ½ years when it comes to what works when I am overwhelmed with triggers and heavy emotions. Some of the worse times for triggers are when I am doing household chores. A good example is when I do the dishes. I go on auto pilot when doing them and that is when the thoughts, triggers and emotions sneak in. All the everyday chores a Mom must do are the type of chores I would have the hardest time with all the thoughts coming up. At any given moment of any day you could catch me balling my eyes out, frozen from the hurt, paused in time, in the middle of doing a chore.
A little over a year and half ago during an appointment with my EMDR therapist I learned what to do when I was doing household chores to help process all the triggers I was having. At the time I was having a hard time at work. I was having to open boxes upon boxes of wood flooring. My therapist brought up using a cross body motion to slice the boxes open. The next day I sliced those boxes open with passion. After the relief I received from this I started to implement the same thing to all chores I did. After this second D-DayI am using this same therapy tool again.
The way to do this exercise is simple. When you are doing everyday household chores
turn them into a chore where you use your body in a left to right rhythm. This
is very similar to when Daniel in The Karate Kid does the “Wax on and wax off.”
If you are unable to do the whole-body rhythm use your left hand, then switch
to your right hand. A good example is when I vacuum, I push the vacuum with my
left arm and pull back with my right. When I do dishes, I make sure I am
passing the dish from one hand to the other. When cleaning counter tops I do
the same thing. I try to get the largest
left to right motion and keep at a good fast paced rhythm. I allow all the triggers
to come at me. I don’t try to control my thoughts or emotions. They tend to go
as fast as they come when I would normally go on a roller coaster ride with my
thoughts. As long as I keep a good pace, the thoughts are getting processed the
way my brain can handle it best and in turn keeping myself from suffering
anymore physical ailments.
This is a great way to process your thoughts and get them “filed away neatly” in your brain. I have noticed while going through this second recovery round I am having an easier time processing my triggers and find myself naturally doing the exercises and tools I learned from before. When you practice all the different at home therapy exercises and tools you develop a second nature to processing your triggers that can provide some relief.