My New Reality

My life has taken a complete turn the last 48 hours. I was married for a little over 20 years. I have been married ever since I was 18. Still to this day my husband is the only one I have had sex with. My husband was the most dedicated and loving father and husband for 17 years until his first affair, which eventually ended up turning into a sex addiction and multiple affairs with all sorts of whores. Since then things have only gotten worse. Between his drug use and his Morbid Jealousy I had to make a run for it before he killed me.

I am now sitting here a single Mom with 3 children in a hotel room while my husband is in jail for domestic violence. I have nobody but my Mom in another state. My family that I married into has completely turned their back on me and my children when they know better. They were witness to his escalating mental behavior and violence towards me.

I remember the first time he admitted to doing Meth. It was October 29th, 2017. He had a Halloween Party the night before for the Motorcycle club he was in. That is the day everything took a turn for the worse when it came to our home life and the way he treated me and his kids.

I honestly held on too long as many survivors of domestic violence do. I kept waiting for my husband to become the man he was the first 17 years of our marriage. I am so saddened that it came to this. But the last straw was when he almost killed me while our 3 children witnessed some and heard most of the assaults.

Since November of 2017 we have been doing nothing but fighting. I hope one day he will recover and we can have at least a happy family unit. But for now it looks very hopeless as his family is only feeding his mental problems. It is a tremendously sad day for me.

I will be posting as much as I can because it is important to document what it is like as I journey through this for the first time as there has been many before me and there will be many after me.

Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma

I did this article awhile back. Today has been another tough one in the parenting department.

Wish I could have been more of a mother.

I have never known guilt until a little over a year ago when I was able to look back on the last few years and how much my life had flipped upside down. I cannot help but feel guilty for not being there for my children as I should have. I am still not there for them as much as I would like. I am currently under constant anxiety attacks.  I am dealing with a second round of recovery.  (Read my story here) It was when I mentioned this to my therapist I was reminded that my absence as a parent was not all my fault and was a 50/50 thing. My husband was just as much at fault.   My current therapist reminded me that when we grow up, we are never taught that we are going to be several people throughout our lifetime, and it is perfectly okay to change.  Their words give me some comfort, but I do miss the parent I was before D-Day.

I am going to share a tough moment for me so that others out there do not feel alone in the struggles of parenting while suffering from betrayal trauma. The last couple years my Husband had to step up to the plate and take care of the children more than he had ever before.  Recently I picked up our 7-year-old son by myself for the first time since he entered elementary school. 1 ½ years later and I finally picked him up by myself. When I stopped at the store on the way home, he was a little scarred to get out of the car and go into the store with me.  He said “Mommy, you are okay to take me in the store?”  This completely wrenched on every heart string I have.  It dawned on me that his Mom was not capable of being fully present for 3 years of his life and he is only 7. That is almost half his life. I went from being room parent, PTA member, soccer mom to my current position as mentally ill Mom. 

The rolls of Mom and Dad have completely flipped around in our household.  It is strange to see my husband volunteering weekly at the school and having more knowledge about our sons learning, teacher and classmates then I do.  But I have to say it is refreshing at the same time. He struggles with the same stuff I struggled with when I was a Stay at home Mom with our two oldest, one whom is an adult and the other in High School. It makes me happy to see him enjoying some time doing what I used to enjoy.  

One day at a time I am slowly becoming a resemblance of the Mom I used to be but this time it is better.  I get to share the experience with my Husband whom now understands what it is like to care for the kids as a  Stay at Home Parent.  We have suffered in every aspect of our life because of infidelity but we are working on making it better than before and this makes me happy.