When loving hurts more.


Today has been an extra sad day.  I feel like I am at a total complete loss.  I feel defeated by everything that has come to light.  It has been slightly over three months since the second D Day and I am aware the sadness I feel is to be expected.  I am also aware that I need to feel the feels in order to heal.  But for some reason today I am having a hard time with the sadness and I don’t want to feel anything.  I just want it to go away. 

On days where I am ferocious, I am a force to be reckon with.  That is the difference between ferocious and sadness. On days where I am so mad and angry at my husband, I have an easier time handling my mood.  On days where I feel deep profound love for him it hurts more than anything and it brings sadness.  It literally hurts to love him.  The horrible stomach ache, the body aches and the tightening of all my muscles.  Loving him brings so much pain.  Whether I am remembering a happy moment, a sad moment or I am imagining how he cheated, in some way it all feels the same.

I have also noticed I am having a lot of anxiety going places with my husband. This second round of healing I am in constant fear we are going to run into one of his whores. Last time I had to worry about one whore.  I knew her name and I knew what she looked like.  This time I do know a couple of them, but the rest are for the most part a mystery.  The only solution I have is to move far away.In the future I know I will move far away, unfortunately it is going to be along time. 

It makes me so sad that everything has been turned upside down again.  I mourn the loss of what I thought we had rebuilt.  I mourn it more than I mourn our marriage pre-affair.  The pain and sadness from this are unexplainable. The best way to explain it “Imagine losing your child when they were young.  Being betrayed by a spouse is that feeling every single day you wake up.” Eventually you learn to deal with the pain.  It makes you a special kind of strong.

Feeling safe staying after your spouse had an affair.

Steps the betrayer can take to assist with their partners recovery.

Photo by Stokpic on Pexels.com

I have noticed a common need among betrayed partners in order to feel confident in their decision to stay in the relationship.  If you were to ask a betrayed partner “What would it take to ensure you can stay with your partner and rebuild safety and trust??” I can guarantee more than half of them are going to list at least one of the items below. If the adulterer is unwilling to do any of these things, it will be less likely the two will stay together for a significant period.  Below is a list of the common needs that a betrayed spouse would want from their adulterer. The items are in not in any order, all these items can play a part on whether you will have a healthy future partnership together.

  1. Remove and block every contact of the opposite sex your partner does not know or there is, or has been inappropriate contact with. This includes your phone contact list, social media, apps, emails, etc.  The betrayed partner feels safe to start the healing process when this has been done.  Make sure your partner can see some form of physical evidence this has been done.
  2. Create a master list of all sites, social media, email accounts, apps, etc. On the master list there should be passwords provided.  The list needs to be updated whenever there is a change.  This is vital in making sure the betrayed partner can build trust again. One faulty item on the list, whether missing or wrong password is detrimental to rebuilding trust.  Prompt attention to any “mistakes” makes all the difference. This is a really good thing to do in the first year of recovery.  Overtime the betrayed partner should use this list less and less.  The betrayed partner should also provide a list.
  3. Show empathy, remorse and compassion. This is HUGE!  The betrayed partner wants to see you break down and cry.  They want you to put yourself in their shoes and feel it. Take a lot of time (your partner is stuck with this for life” and put yourself in their shoes.  Feel the emotions they feel and tell them how that made you feel.  They want to be able to feel your guilt.  If you are a person who has a problem expressing emotions, you could always write a letter. Never stop showing remorse!
  4. Answer ALL the questions your partner has about your affair activity. Answer them truthfully no matter how hard it is to tell them.  The more truthful you are the more the betrayed spouse can regain trust.  The more quickly you answer the better.  If you hesitate your partner will use their imagination which is a lot worse than the truth. Be extra careful to not divulge certain information that could cause triggers for the betrayed spouse.
  5. One of the common sayings that come from the betrayed is “I just want the old them back.” In a way you can do this.  Discuss with your partner exactly what it is that they consider the old you.  Ask them if there is anything you could do to help them.  Deep down the betrayed know you or your relationship will never be the same but to have you care about being “you” before the affair is important to them.
  6. Check in on your partners happiness level. Let them know yours.  Every……single…… day. Make a conscious decision to do this. Once a day is good but do realize your partner may wake up happy and go to bed angry.  Checking in often lets your partner know you are empathetic to their feelings.
  7. Release all info about the mistresses. If you hide a single thing and the betrayed partner finds out it can be detrimental to healing for the betrayed partner.  Only offer information your partner asks for.  Be careful giving names especially if there are multiples.  You would be surprised how a name can trigger (refer to article) you at the strangest times and can last years after the discovery.  Only offer names if the betrayed partner asks.
  8. SEEK HELP FOR YOURSELF! Both the betrayer and the betrayed need to seek medical help.  If nothing else see a family physician and let them know what happened.  You may need to get tested for STD’s.  You may feel mentally great at first and then suddenly 3 months down the road you take a nosedive. If one partner does not seek medical help this is certain sign a partnership will not last. If you are not finding what you need from professionals then seek different kind of help.  Keep searching, do not give up the search. There is someone out there that fits you and can help you through this.
  9. Allow the betrayed spouse all the time in the world to heal. Healing takes place over a long period of time.  Even 2 years after the discovery the betrayed spouse may have a trigger.  The discovery day may always be recognized by them. The healing from this can take up to 3 years in some cases more.  Your partner will never forget your affair/s but they will forgive.
  10. Never stop telling the truth, EVER. Keep up with the honesty.  This is a simple thing you can do to rebuild trust.  This is a great way to rebuild yourself as well.
  11. Tell ALL! The betrayed partner wants to hear it all no matter how small of an event or thought it was.  If they were to find out down the road it may be considered hiding information which is the same as lying. If you were at the store and your mistress was there, you should immediately tell your partner.
  12. Do not expect your partner to “Pretend Normal.” I can be detrimental to your partner if they are expected to act as if nothing happened.
  13. You need to accept your character defects. You will not be safe for your partner if you cannot accept your character defects.  You need to accept your personal reality no matter how tough it is.  Do not underplay what you did.  Own up to it. Become a person YOU can respect.
  14. Talk kindly of your partner. Your partner is listening to all your words. Example:  If you are on the phone with a friend and this friend asks you to come over and hang out do not say “I have to check with the boss first.”